Sense and Sensiblity

I am now 28 and not in a position to negotiate when it comes to choosing my life-partner. Reason? I have been too picky until now. Now the next thing is why be picky. I am not extremely good looking but a mere average with an average intellect.

From "picky" everyone might think that I have been waiting to pick a very very good looking guy with loads and loads of money. And which is absolutely not true. I have been single until now not because I wanted the best but because I have been looking for "true love".

Should I blame all the Mills and Boons I have read when I was a teen or the lovey-dovey romantic movies that I have watched. And, all these came along when I had just started to understand the dynamics between a boy and a girl. My mind got filled with this utterly BS concepts that one day I would meet the someone who would sweep me off my feet and love me till the world's end. I started living in this make-belief world of my own and strongly believed that one day my fairy tale story would come true.

As I grew up, and as years passed by my fairy tale dream started facing the actual realities of life. Every now and then I met people who made me realize time and again that there is no such thing as true love. Gradually all my dreams faded away and from a emotional love-searching soul I turned to somebody pragmatic. Nobody cared for my emotions and nobody gave a dime to how I felt. Is it possible that everybody is like that. This might sound cynical but then may be I have turned into a cynic.

I try not to look back and feel sorry for myself. But on rare occasions it does creep into my mind, making me still want to hope, still want to wait for that someone who would love me mindlessly.. But reality forces me back and tells me it ain't gonna happen and without complaints or the slightest feeling of remorse I must be with the sensible guy who is against..hmmm.. domestic violence, dowry eh?? or may be just respect me.

But I still wonder, will I survive a loveless marriage as I am sure I might one day fall in love with this guy who treats me with just respect.

I could eat a MONSTER!

I have always tri"ed" to be in a good shape and would consider myself petite as I still go to the petite-0 size section in the NYC stores.But I don't know how long this is going to last as there have been days when I have this incessant craving for food.. I just can't stop eating and this results in an unhealthy me!!
Such as today for instance, I finished a bag of chips(family size), ate 6 oatmeal bars (the one with the blueberry tart in it.. its awesome!!), 2 bars of milk chocolate, fries, nuggets, dumplings, half a watermelon ,etc etc. and now I sit here licking on a bottle of peanut butter. I know if anyone sees this list would end up thinking I am monster which I am not really~
So, at this hour of the night I sit infront of my laptop and really want to find a reason that brings out the glutton in me. Was I upset about something? Frustrated may be? Or is it the long distance from my loved ones? Or the hundreds of things I have to think about. May be it is an outbreak of a little from all these.I can't be sure what but surely eating does give me satisfaction to some extent.
But, yes I pity myself when I see myself doing an hour of physical torture in the gym. I would surely never make this a habit, else it would be me and my wardrobe which,one day would not have a single cloth of my fit!! Scary!! So, for such a price to pay.. eating is not worth but getting rid of my fears and anxieties is :)