Finding the pair of Scissors

This morning I woke up to remembering how good looking papa was. Later on in the years he lost his moustache or may be he didn't shave so meticulously. He had a thick moustache which later on became very thin. Don't know why I never noticed how papa shaved. I knew he would always have a pair of scissors so think the last thing he gave me was a pair of scissors. In his ICU bed they wanted to shave him and that was when I got him the stuff people need to shave. I never had bought it before. He would always dye his hair black and the last unfinished packet of dye remained tied by papa with a rubber band to keep it out of air so it wouldn't spoil. My dad.

Regrets

My regrets would be a long list. My baba was an independent man and never discussed his problems with anyone.
Ma was not so supportive and I was his only confidante. But I failed him. Past 2 years I was so much into myself that I over looked his flailing health. I could have forced him for a medical check up. He hid his high blood pressure problems from me as he didn't want to trouble me. I wish he had told me. Wish I have booked his tickets for a check up along with mom. He  would be alive then. He had no ailments and he fought so hard during his end just like he did in his life. I wanted to cook for him. Make him eat all that I want. He was a foodie and I know what he loves to eat. I wish I had done more. Had he not been building the house he would be stronger and alive. Had my younger brother done something in life he would be alive. Everything conspired against him and I lost him. How will I live without him.

Remembering

Papa was a smart man. My smartness in carrying myself comes from him. He helped me get over my failures and awkwardness always in every step of my life. He would use Forhans paste. I never knew why until sensodyne came to market and I realized papa had sensitivity issues with his teeth and gums. He would use nivea cream for face until it went out of market and then would use brylcream always for his hair. He side parted his hair as he tries to cover his bald. He balded some part of his head when he was young due to some illness. He would look very handsome in his uniform and i would always look and admire him. He wanted me to try ips and had immense faith in me. More faith than I had in myself. I land up with a different set of degrees none the less made him a proud papa. My smart baba.

Longings

Everyday I would wake up to the lovely feeling of having a complete family. Pa check ma check hubby check in laws check bhais check. Now it's very very strange to let myself believe that pa is no more. Now nobody is going to bug me for the TV recharges when an important cric match is on or to whom am I going to make that small talk. I miss him morning noon and night. Not a single second passes when I not think of him. Miss you baba..

Broken

I lost my dad on 11th June and this is not something I am able to handle. Its been 15 days since I lost him. My baba is and always will be my first love. He did not give me a chance to help him. He lived an independent life like he always wanted and left without giving anybody the least amount of trouble. I am full of guilt why I could not see him in the last 2 years after my marriage. I had no money and I am mad at my husband. He could have bought me tickets knowing I was not financially capable. I gave most money home to help baba build his dream home. In this way I didn't see how feeble he had become from all the hard work. On the other hand my mom never loved him for all the things she remembered he did to her and made him starve. She never stopped complaining how bad a husband he was. It hurts me a lot because I love my dad and know he is the best dad one can have. People are born with flaws but is it necessary that we not forgive them and keep punishing them? I won't forgive my mom for this ever.
She never told me that he had high pressure and his things from me. Never gave this hard working toiling man food as she hated him. She never wanted to travel with him so in December I could get her tested in Kolkata. I wish I could get baba. I wish she mentioned once let's get your baba also tested. How can bitterness destroy a family, mine is an example.
Now with all these guilt I have to live the rest of my life. I can't talk to anyone about this. Can't repeat the same story. But how do I live with it and the feeling that my backbone is broken? The love of my life is gone?
God save me. Help me please.