Broken

I lost my dad on 11th June and this is not something I am able to handle. Its been 15 days since I lost him. My baba is and always will be my first love. He did not give me a chance to help him. He lived an independent life like he always wanted and left without giving anybody the least amount of trouble. I am full of guilt why I could not see him in the last 2 years after my marriage. I had no money and I am mad at my husband. He could have bought me tickets knowing I was not financially capable. I gave most money home to help baba build his dream home. In this way I didn't see how feeble he had become from all the hard work. On the other hand my mom never loved him for all the things she remembered he did to her and made him starve. She never stopped complaining how bad a husband he was. It hurts me a lot because I love my dad and know he is the best dad one can have. People are born with flaws but is it necessary that we not forgive them and keep punishing them? I won't forgive my mom for this ever.
She never told me that he had high pressure and his things from me. Never gave this hard working toiling man food as she hated him. She never wanted to travel with him so in December I could get her tested in Kolkata. I wish I could get baba. I wish she mentioned once let's get your baba also tested. How can bitterness destroy a family, mine is an example.
Now with all these guilt I have to live the rest of my life. I can't talk to anyone about this. Can't repeat the same story. But how do I live with it and the feeling that my backbone is broken? The love of my life is gone?
God save me. Help me please.